From Birth Plans to Breastfeeding: Letting Go of Motherhood Myths
As a chronic people pleaser struggling with perfectionism, pregnancy is one of those times in my life where I was determined to do everything “right”. When I look back at my first pregnancy, I have to admit that I was surprisingly calm. Sure I was anxious about the baby, if everything was ok with them. But I managed to ground myself with a regular gentle yoga practice that supported me throughout the 9 months. I was worried about the birth, but also reassured that the people around me would give me and my baby the care that we needed.
Feeling anxious about birth
Being worried or anxious about the birth is something very normal. Many women grow up creating lives that turn out exactly the way they planned them - and giving birth is something that we can’t really control, because babies do tend to have an mindset of their own :). It’s a very personal experience that depends on so many factors, many of which we simply cannot influence. It is about trusting ourselves, our body and the birth support bubble we’ve created around ourselves in order to create a safe arrival for our baby in this world.
To me, each birth experience was unique, and having already given birth once didn’t make the second birth easier, because it was just very different. I learnt to let go, to trust myself and my baby - and ultimately to accept each birth exactly the way it unfolded.
There is so much noise around pregnancy and birth, that it’s really hard to not worry, to not think about what is best for your baby, to not try to plan for something that ultimately might not go according to any plan, because each baby has its own journey and time.
If there is one thing I’d recommend any pregnant mamas, it’s to take some time just for herself, to reflect on what she wants from this birth experience, how she’d like her motherhood journey to look like, what is essential to her as she transitions into matrescence. Knowing what we truly want deep down allows us to move forward with more confidence when things get chaotic (which they will at some point with kids :). By listening to our deep desires and giving them space to unfold, we increase the trust we hold in ourselves - which is ultimately one of the key elements of being a mother.
I wouldn’t go as far as to saying that you should ditch all the books on pregnancy and child education - but be mindful about what you read and check in with yourself to figure out with the ideas and tips resonate with you. You are your own most powerful resource.
Myth #1: The Perfect Birth Plan Exists
When I was pregnant with my first child, everyone seemed to be talking about birth plans. I read about them in books and online, though interestingly my gynecologist never mentioned one.
I didn’t have a formal birth plan, but I had a few flexible ideas about what I wanted. I was afraid of the pain and hoped to try labor without medication first, then use something if it became too much. Knowing my pain tolerance was low, I wasn’t against an epidural if other methods didn’t work. And that was it basically. That was all I needed.
I had taken a prenatal yoga class that showed my partner and me what positions could support me during labour. I had worried about taking a bouncing ball along, about using the pool, about moving around as much as possible. But the way my birth progressed, I quickly opted for an epidural, which at that point meant I wasn’t very mobile for the rest of my labour. At the moment, it was the best choice for me and I don’t regret it.
For my second birth, I had a plan: try to breathe through the surges during labour as long as possible, then move on to an epidural when the pain became too much. My second baby had other plans: after my water broke, not much happened for 24h other than some irregular contractions that were painful but manageable. Then the contractions suddenly came every 2 minutes - and within less than an hour, he was born. No time for epidurals - the midwife was so surprised she didn’t even have time to put the IV cannula that they always put as soon as you enter the birthing suite in case of emergency.
Now I’m not saying that birth plans are not a good idea. However, creating a plan gives us a sense of control. As if we could decide how our birth would look like. Whilst maybe it would’ve been nice to have some music or aromatherapy, birth doesn’t always go according to our plans - and that’s ok. It’s about accepting the unknown and trusting the process - because we can’t do much else.
My advice to any pregnant mama is to create a birth plan, but allow enough flexibility around it in case things just turn out differently than expected.
Myth #2: Natural Birth Is Always Best
I have read the science around giving birth. I know that the epidural can be risky, that the baby can feel the effect of the anaesthesia. That passing through the birth canal is a different experience for a tiny human than being removed from the womb during a c-section.
What I also know is that my second birth, without epidural (not by choice but because there was no time), was mentally more challenging to process than the first one, an epidural and vacuum delivery.
Medically giving birth vaginally without any medication has its benefits. However I’d like to argue that with birth, if it is safe to do so, the mother’s mental health needs to also be taken into account.
There is so much guilt and shame around using an epidural or giving birth via c-section.
You didn’t fail if you had an epidural or a c-section. You didn’t fail if your birth was long and painful. You didn’t fail if you didn’t enjoy every moment of your birth and felt lost afterwards.
And you don’t need to feel guilty if you had a beautiful birth experience. I’d even encourage you to share it with the people around you, because the world needs to hear more of those.
A birth is a big event in our lives that puts a massive strain on our bodies as women. We can’t predict how it will unfold - and while of course it would be nice to have a quick vaginal birth with a short recovery period, this is not the reality for all. No matter how your baby is born, the most important is that both you and your baby could transition through this experience safely.
Myth #3: Breast Is Always Best
The benefits of breastfeeding are well-known and undisputed. But what is often ignored, is how the mother feels about it.
Breastfeeding was a no-brainer to me. I never even questioned if I should breastfeed, it was clear for me from the start that I would. For at least one year.
I felt enormous pressure to breastfeed both of my children, along with confusion and loss of trust into my own body. With my first son, I breastfed and pumped for a month before switching to bottle-feeding because he wasn’t gaining enough weight. The process was exhausting and time-consuming. If that had happened again with my second baby, I wouldn’t have managed with a toddler in tow.
With my second son, breastfeeding started well, but insecurity crept in. I worried he wasn’t drinking enough, which led me into a short spiral of pumping on top of breastfeeding. I convinced myself to continue breastfeeding, because this was what a “good mother” was supposed to do. I was burnt out and exhausted, navigating the first few months with two little children at the end of a pandemic with minimal family support around. I finally gave in and gave my baby formula at night so I could get some rest. It took me nearly 3 years to accept that I hadn’t failed my son by feeding him formula.
Yes, breastfeeding has many benefits. But it’s not black and white. I believe that a mother’s mental health needs to be taking into account when we discuss infant feeding choices. Even if mothers do breastfeed, partners, friends & family can support the breastfeeding mother in many different ways, such as making sure they have water & snacks, entertaining their toddler, bringing them their book or some music as they are nursing.
For the record: my first son breastfed until 15 months, my second had formula by night from three months, and today both are happy and healthy. The hardest part wasn’t their nutrition — it was the mental load of believing I had failed.
Myth #4: The Perfect Mother
There are so many “shoulds” placed on mothers. As women, we grew up having a very specific idea what the “perfect mother” looks like. Society, media and the people around us often support this belief.
But as Dr Sophie Brock says, the perfect mother is a myth. She doesn’t exist. We are set up to fail by society.
Some things that the “perfect mother” does might include: spending all her time outside of work (if she works) with her child, not working too many hours, but also not too little, enjoying every moment with her child, feeling happy all the time, always cooking healthy meals for herself and her family, being nicely dressed and looking great every day…
It’s impossible to meet these standards. Motherhood is beautiful and hard. There’s a lot of joy and exhaustion. As mothers, we transition through matrescence, we feel a lot of ambivalent emotions. Despite what we are being told before having children, these are normal and the days are not always filled with endless joy.
We have not failed as mothers.
We are asked to work outside of the house while also having a 24/7 job as a mother, running a household, preparing food, looking after ourselves… all this without the village that used to be around because we have as a society retreated into our nuclear families.
Parenthood is beautiful, messy, chaotic - and it’s meant to be like that. We are tired and emotionally drained. It’s essential that we look after ourselves as mothers, not sacrifice ourselves for our children in order to meet impossible standards set by the society around us.
Postnatal Depression or Postnatal Depletion? Understanding the Difference
Thankfully, we’re talking more about mental health these days, including postpartum depression. I had been informed about it during both pregnancies and wanted to stay alert to symptoms.
However, what I noticed is that the pressure that we put on mothers and parents in general in our society - raising kids in nuclear families without a village, being employed and potentially pressured by work commitments, not having any time for ourselves as a person or as a couple - is tremendous. Women especially are depleted, because of the effects on their body from a pregnancy and birth, the fact that they might be breastfeeding their child and looking after a toddler as well as running a household and cooking meals.
When my youngest was seven months old, my midwife suggested I had postnatal depression. I was surprised - and very resistant. After talking with my doctor and therapist, none of them diagnosed depression. My experience didn’t match the stories I’d heard from friends who had it. Something else felt wrong.
Later, I learned about matrescence and Dr. Oscar Serrallach’s concept of postnatal depletion. Finally, it made sense. I wasn’t depressed — I was deeply depleted.
Awareness around postnatal depression is very important - but at the same time, we often dismiss what young mothers go through by telling them that it’s normal to be tired because they have a baby and broken sleep. Just because society, family, friends, medical professionals might say that it’s normal - it doesn’t mean that we need to put up with it!
It is not normal that we are hanging in there, barely surviving, to tired to get out of the house, afraid to get into the car because we might just fall asleep for a micro-second. That we don’t have any support and are told we need to do it all on our own. That we are put to shame if we send our children to day care or hire a babysitter, because we need a break.
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I hope that very soon, we can create an awareness around pregnancy and birth that includes matrescence and gives mothers the permission to look after themselves - with the support of family and friends or from professionals, maybe even charities that can offer that help for those who cannot afford it otherwise.
Because mental health isn’t a luxury. It’s a right.
Are you trying to let go of these myths and would like someone by your side on this journey? Get in touch and we can schedule a free connection call where I can tell you about my new Matrescence Coaching programme.