What looking after myself truly looks like right now
Self-care has become some kind of trend. If you are feeling stressed or burnt out, it’s presented as the ultimate solution. You just need to look after yourself and you’ll be fine.
As mothers, self-care can easily become another thing to add to an already overflowing to do list. We’re navigating childcare, work, the household, the mental load, maybe we have to give our aging parents more attention than usual… and thus, a yoga class or a spa day seem to be another thing to add to our never-ending to do lists.
While the yoga classes or spa days, or even a weekend away are always lovely, they can also come with a lot of stress. The stress of having to organise everything at home before we leave, making sure our children are looked after on the days we are usually home alone with them (if that is the case), getting a babysitter or calling family, packing everything the kids need for the day, etc. There might be anxiety around being away from your child and worry about how they are doing that keep you from fully enjoying the moment.
But let’s take a step back. What is self-care truly about? As mothers, time is scarce and we don’t necessarily want to add “self-care” on top of the one million tasks that we already need to handle. But deep down, it’s mainly about making sure our nervous system is regulated. This means that we need to get enough moments of calm so that our nervous system understands that it’s safe and it can get into “rest and digest” mode, instead of getting stuck in “fight or flight” mode.
What does this mean?
Now that I’m in a season of life where I have more time for me (and my business), I still struggle to step away from feeling burnt out constantly. Why is that?
One thing I’ve realised is that my body feels constantly on alert, either because I’m with my kids or because I’m “supposed” to work. Even if I have a morning without any plans, I struggle to relax and rest. I’ve been a mother for over 6 years now and I’m assuming that this state has been building up gradually in that period of time. Being on high alert all the time has just made my body react and I feel like I cannot rest, even when I have the time to do so.
This shows that not having enough time is not a reason why you shouldn’t prioritise looking after yourself. The things that are more time-consuming might not be possible in the season of life you are in right now and that’s ok. But there are small habits and routines that you can integrate into your day to day life that will be maybe even more valuable and allow you to truly rest and relax once you do get the time to do so.
I’ve created a list of simple practices that has been working quite well for me - this doesn’t necessarily mean that they resonate with you because we are all different, but maybe there’s one or the other that you’d like to experiment with.
Taking 3 mindful breaths throughout the day.
Putting a timer on my phone or wristband, closing my eyes and just sitting in silence (maybe outside listening to the sounds of nature around you).
A short walk around the block.
Releasing my jaw (this is a reaction of my body when I am stressed - listen to your body and figure out how it reacts).
A short meditation (I love this 3-minute meditation for mothers by Amy Taylor-Kabbaz)
Writing down 3 things I’m grateful for (or thinking of them).
Moments of presence and mindfulness (I like to watch my kids either when they are playing or when they come for cuddles).
Gentle intuitive stretches for the body parts that store the most tension (neck, shoulders & jaw in my case).
Positive affirmations.
Focusing on what I can control and trying to let go of what I cannot control.
Checking in with my needs on a regular basis and getting to know my body better (again).
I’ve been trying to fit more of these little moments into my day-to-day life, and while the shift might be subtle at first, I do feel that something is happening. I feel that I am just a little bit more patient with the kids are fighting or that it takes me a little less long to recover from my toddler expression his big emotions over a longer period of time.
Shifting limiting beliefs
One other thing I’ve been working on is my mindset. I have started to become more aware of the beliefs I hold and trying to challenge them. It’s been a work in progress that probably started years ago, but I’m finally at a point where I am aware of the beliefs that are not serving me, where I can challenge them, where I can pinpoint where they come from. Many of them are very deeply ingrained, either from my childhood or from the society we live in.
Some beliefs that I’ve been holding onto are:
I am only allowed to rest after I finished my work (paid work or household chores).
In order to be a good mother, I always need to enjoy spending time with my children.
I can have it all, but I also need to do it all.
Others’ needs are more important than mine.
What has helped me to move forward, to become aware of my beliefs is a lot of self-reflection - through journaling, during my Mama Rising training and with my life coach. I’ve taken the time to notice the beliefs (mindfulness has helped a lot with awareness) and to write them down. I’ve used some coaching tools, such as putting the beliefs “on trial”, writing down arguments that support the beliefs and arguments against in in order to determine if they are true, and then creating more helpful and supportive beliefs.
I still get stuck in these belief patterns, but often I am able to pinpoint the belief that’s coming up and sit with it. This is the uncomfortable phase - the one where you are aware that something is going on, that you want to change it, but your mind still automatically goes to what it’s used to. But you notice the beliefs now, you just can’t shift them yet.
I’m allowing myself grace in this situation. To sit with what comes up. I’ve held many of these beliefs for nearly 40 years and it’s quite normal that they won’t just disappear because I’ve decided that they don’t serve me anymore. It’s a process that requires patience and consistency. But once you’ve pinpointed the beliefs and managed to shift them, it’s a matter of “training” your mind and your body to use these new patterns in the future. This doesn’t take up a lot of time, a short daily habit of simply reading through your new beliefs can already have a big impact.
One question I’d like you to ask yourself is what truly fills up your cup. Deep down, what is it that you need in this season of life? Take some time to reflect on this. Maybe find yourself a moment where you can close your eyes, scan through your body, listen to what your body is trying to tell you.
If you feel stuck and would like some support in answering this question, I’ve created a short self-care reflection that might be help you move forward.