8 simple habits that have helped me feel less burnt out as a mother
While our society prides itself in being equal, women in general and mothers in particular still face a lot of hidden discriminations. The pressure to have it all is huge - particularly with social media to compare ourselves to the picture perfect snapshots of their lives that other mothers share.
To have it all often means to do it all. We lack the village that our parents and grandparents had around them. With globalization, families are spread across the country, the continent, the globe. Support systems have become scarce - unless you have a lot of money. Here in Switzerland, politics conveniently try to keep away from any topics related to family support, emphasising that this is a private matter.
Not only are we left alone with our children, but we are also told that we need to practise self-care and look after ourselves. While the thought in itself is often well-meant, the reality for a mother is often that creating that space for a self-care activity often feels like adding another 5 tasks to the already overflowing to do list - from organising childcare to pumping milk to make sure the baby is fed while mama is away.
So when we inevitably fail at practising “self care”, particularly in the first years of our children' s lives, we often believe it’s our own fault that we are burnt out and stressed - after all, we could simply look after ourselves to feel better and we aren’t even capable of that.
If this sounds any familiar to you, let me tell you that the problem is not you, it’s the system. We live in a world - at least in the Western society - where mothers are left alone after the birth of a child. They get home with a newborn and are expected to cook, clean, feed the baby, possibly look after a toddler, etc. as their husbands return to paid work. If you’d like to have someone to talk it through with, I’d love to offer you a free 30 minute connection call where we can look at your current season of life and find out what would work best for you at this point. Book your free call here
But who looks after the mother?
I feel like I’ve just emerged from the chaos of the last couple of years since welcoming my second son who turns 4 in December. So let me share some simple, gentle habits that are supporting me in this season of life and helping me avoid burnout. No fancy yoga classes or spa dates - just day to day small habits that you can easily implement without having to organise childcare or turn your life upside down.
Putting my phone away / Being mindful about using my phone: I think we all know somewhere deep down that we spend too much time on our phones. We use them for everything: communication, connection, distraction, research, planning… But I noticed that my phone is also a source of stress for me. I kept reaching for it, spent a lot of time scrolling on social media or researching something on the internet - and when I finally put my phone away, I felt drained and upset because of the amount of time I just spent scrolling.
I have been trying to be more mindful about using my phone. I have deleted social media on several occasions and felt much better without having the urge to scroll. I try to be aware when I pick up my phone and not do it unconsciously. It’s not easy, because I am so used to grabbing my phone when I am bored and need some distraction. However, putting my phone into another room to sleep so I don’t scroll in the evening or in the morning has made such a difference to my stress levels. I do see the benefits of it - and I try to be patient with myself as I am slowly shifting this habit.
Slowing down: I’ve been reading about rest, stress and burn out recently (I recommend The Relaxed Woman by Nicola Jane Hobbs, it’s amazing), and it made me notice how I am constantly in a rush, even in situations where it’s not necessary.
So I’ve tried to practise slowing down, which doesn’t feel easy in a society that prioritises rushing, doing, stress. But I have started small: during the holidays, I noticed that whenever I went to the buffet to get food, I was rushing there and back. I get that you’d rush with your kids when they are hungry - those hungry meltdowns can be intense. But if it’s just me getting my food while my children are fed and sitting at the table with my husband, why do I feel the need to rush?
So I started slowing down. Walking at a normal pace instead of going really quickly. Taking my time to pick my food.
I don’t know what it is about slowing down, but it’s helped me be more patient during the day too. I’m less annoyed and anxious when I am stuck in traffic on the way to pick up my son at nursery (with ample time left before closing). I don’t mind waiting a bit longer at the supermarket or letting someone pass in front of me if they don’t have many items. I have been a couple of minutes late to appointments or dinner with friends - and while I know that for some people, this is a no-go, I have decided that it’s worth being the person who is 5 minutes late if it means I get there feeling relaxed and not so stressed out that my heart is still racing by the end of the appointment. Time is fluid depending on what culture you live in and I feel that this resonates more with me right now than always being stressed to get to the next place as fast as possible.
Taking time to sit & just be (vs. doing something ALL the time): I recently heard the expression that we are human BEINGs not human DOINGs - yet we spend most of our time DOING things. When the kids are playing happily, my first reaction is to do some housework. Yes, the list of things to do is endless. But if I sit down for a little while first, maybe sip a cup of tea or focus on my breath for a couple of minutes, I feel much less stressed about all that needs to be done. I allow myself to rest even if I haven’t ticked off all the tasks on my to-do list - because the reality is that most likely, you will never be able to tick off all the tasks, as the list just keeps growing and growing.
Prioritising sleep (and fighting the FOMO - the urge to DO more, even if it’s something I enjoy like reading): this is an obvious one. Sleep when the baby sleeps. But also, as a mother, I don’t have massive amounts of time where I can just do whatever I feel like, without a child trying to get my attention. My children usually sleep by 8pm and this is the time of the day where I can relax, where I don’t need to be “on call”, where I don’t have any responsibilities.
However, for so long I have found myself going to bed around 11, 11.30pm, knowing very well that one child will wake me during the night and the other will wake by 6am. I was able to let the chores be for the night and do something for myself, such as a gentle yoga practice, some journaling or reading. I’d tell myself that this is self-care, that I am looking after myself, which I am told is essential as a mother.
While there are different kinds of rest and each of them is important, with two young children I was simply lacking physical rest. However, this felt very uncomfortable to me, because I wasn’t “doing” anything if I went to sleep early. I could however justify rest if it meant doing something like reading a book or journaling.
By allowing myself to rest, to be, to sleep, I have managed to feel more relaxed during the day, more energised, more patient.
Now I know that sleep is easier for me with slightly older kids and that for example the first two years of a child’s life can be totally unpredictable. Sometimes it’s just really hard to prioritise sleep. Is there a possibility for you to go to bed just 10 minutes earlier for a week? Maybe skip something that you do in the evening that is not essential? Try it out for a week and see how you feel after that!
Learning to trust myself and my intuition: if you are a millennial woman like me, chances are you might struggle to rely on yourself. Growing up, I feel like we embraced all the new support in life that our modern society offered us, which our parents’ generation couldn’t yet consistently rely on - such as medical care, technology or easy access to books on various topics. I’ve built strategies to find support for whatever challenges that come up - but I never really learned to trust myself and my intuition. Particularly since becoming a mother, the world has become much louder, because there are so many opinions on child education out there. I am slowly learning to trust what I do, to listen to my body, to explore my intuition. I am very selective about non-fiction books that I read and only pick out a handful of ideas that really resonate with me. It’s so easy to get lost and overwhelmed by all the supportive opinions out there, yet finding the trust in myself is a work in progress, especially if this is something that you were not encouraged to do growing up.
Accepting help: I grew up believing that I could have it all and that I needed to do it all. While in certain, rather “masculine” areas I had had help all of my life and never contested it (e.g. when something needed fixing in my apartment as I was living alone or for my taxes), becoming a mother fell under the categories of areas that, as a woman, would come naturally to me. I would be able to do it all on my own - after all, everyone else I knew who had children before me was doing it too!
Boy was I wrong! With one child, I still could hold on to the image of the “perfect mother”, even if I did struggle. In a way, I think the pandemic benefitted me because I was forced to slow down and could therefore take time to do yoga every evening, go on long walks outside with my son - those things that still today support my mental health.
However this rhythm was absolutely not sustainable when the second baby came along. It felt like I was constantly trying to make everyone happy but my own needs were ignored. For a very long time, I felt uncomfortable asking anyone else for support. Even today, it is something that doesn’t come naturally.
Since becoming a mother, I have learned to ask our “village” for help when I needed it - either because my husband and I had appointments or simply because I needed a break. I came to realise that the people who are in my children’s life are happy to spend time with them. I don’t bother anyone by asking and offer them the freedom to say no if it’s not working for them.
We were not meant to do this alone, and I see so much joy when our children get to spend time with other people they are close to. They get to create relationships with their 20-year-old babysitter, grandparents and neighbours who are over 70, parents of their friends, etc. It’s a joy for me to watch these relationships unfold - and an absolute blessing to have all these lovely people in our lives that are happy to come and support my husband and I as we raise our family.
Including mindfulness into my daily life: do you also keep hearing about meditation and how it’ll benefit you? But you somehow can’t find the time to get it done? I get it! While meditating for 5 minutes a day seems in theory manageable, I’ve found it challenging to build up a sustainable habit.
However, while meditation often means being mindful, there are many different ways to practise mindfulness that don’t include meditation.
Some simple practises that I’ve found easy to add to my day-to-day life even with the kids around are:
Taking 3 deep breaths whenever I have a short moment where the kids are occupied
Being mindful and present when doing something, e.g. brushing my teeth or drinking my tea
Mindfully playing with my kids
Observing my kids as they play on their own or together
Connecting with nature: this one doesn’t come very natural to me, even though I see the value in being in nature. While I love being outside in the summer and spend a lot of time in my garden, in autumn and winter I just want to stay inside and watch movies.
I have noticed that there is an indescribable beauty in watching the seasons change, one that can easily be missed if you don’t pay attention. To me, being by the water and particularly by the ocean (or a lake), is my happy place, the place that always gives me energy. However, I do enjoy walks in the forest in fall as the season is changing, observing the different colours of the leaves. Being in the mountains in winter and spending some time in the snow. Going for a walk along a lake in the Spring as the temperatures are getting warmer and the flowers are slowly blooming again. And of course simply spending time by the ocean in summer. I try to include my children in these activities so it feels like a family activity and we get to spend time together.
Creating new habits, even small ones, can be challenging, especially if you have young children. My advice would be to start with one that resonates the most with you and that fits into your season of life right now and focus on it for a week. Observe how it feels for you, what changes, what doesn’t change - and when you are ready, add another habit to your routine or swap one.
If this feels challenging to you and you’d like to have someone to talk it through with, I offer a free 30 minute connection call where we can look at your current season of life and find out what would work best for you at this point. Book your free call here